會講笑話的人都是有好人緣的人，所以我們要多親近一些笑話大王們。現在小編也來當笑話大王啦!小編給大家收集整理了英語爆笑冷笑話，一起來笑笑，收集好人緣吧!
篇一：英語爆笑冷笑話
A Boy with a Big Head(大頭娃娃)
A boy cried to his mother, "All the children make fun of me. They say I have a big head."
"Don't listen to them," his mother said, "You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store to buy twenty pounds of patotoes."
"Where is the shopping bag?"
"I haven't got one-use your hat
I hung him up to dry
Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Marypromptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
Jim和Mary都是精神病院裡的病人。一天，他們沿著醫院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潛到水底，把Jim拉了上來。
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.
當院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為後，他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進了自己的辦公室.
"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."
“Mary，我有一個好訊息和一個壞訊息要告訴你。好訊息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，這說明你的意識已經恢復了，你可以出院了。壞訊息就是，Jim，你救的那個病人，他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."
Mary說：“他沒有自殺，是我把他吊起來好讓他晾乾。”
篇二：英語爆笑冷笑話
嗇鬼請客
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"
吝嗇鬼請客
一個出了名的吝嗇鬼終於決定要請一次客了。他在向一個朋友解釋怎麼找到他家時說：“你上到五樓，找中間那個門，然後用你的胳膊肘按門鈴。門開了之後，再用你的腳把門推開。”
“為什麼要用我的肘和腳呢?”
“你的雙手得拿禮物啊。天哪，你總不會空著手來吧?”吝嗇鬼回答。
Your horse called 你的馬打電話來了
A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."
He says, "Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on." Sheshrugs and walks away.
Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."
一個傢伙正在看報紙，他的'妻子走到他身後，用一隻煎鍋敲他的後腦勺。他問道：“這是為什麼?”她說：“我在你口袋裡發現了一張寫有‘Betty Sue’的紙條。”他說：“哎呀，親愛的，‘Betty Sue’是我賭的那匹馬的名字。”她聳了聳肩，走了。 三天後他正在看報紙，妻子走到他身後，又用一隻煎鍋敲他的後腦勺。他問：“這又是為什麼?”她答道：“你的馬打電話來了。”
篇三：英語爆笑冷笑話
The Beat Salesman in the World
Harry saw an ad in a window. It said: "Wanted. The Best Sales- man in the World. Top Pay."
" I' m a great salesman." Harry told himself." I can sell anything. I'll go in and ask for that job."
He went into the building and spoke to the manager.
"I'm the best salesman in the world," he said. "Give me the job. "
"You must prove you're the best," the manager said.
"I'll pass every test you give me." Harry told him.
"Good."
The manager took a box of candy out of his desk .
"Last week, I bought a thousand boxes of this candy. If you can sell them all before the end of the week, you can have the job.
"That's easy," Harry said.
He took the box of candy and left the office.
Every day and all day, he went from shop to shop, trying to sell boxes of the candy .
He couldn't sell one.
The candy was so bad he couldn't even give it away.
At the end of the week he went back to the manager.
"I'm sorry, sir, " he said," I was wrong about myself . I'm not the best salesman in the world, but I know who is.
"Oh," said the manager. "Who?"
"The person who sold you a thousand boxes of this candy, " Harry said.
Dumas(仲馬)
One day a man was taunting Alexandre Dumas，the greatFrench novelist，with hisancestry.
“Why，” snarled the fellow，“you are a quadroon;yourfather was a mulatto，and your grandfather was a negro.”
“Yes，” roared Dumas，“and，if you wish to know'mygreatgrandfather was a monkey. In fact， my pedigree beganwhere yours terminates.”
有一天，一個人在嘲弄法國大小說家亞歷山大·仲馬，譏笑他的祖先。
那傢伙厲聲說：“唔，你是四分之一黑白混血兒，你父親是黑白混血兒，而你的祖父是個黑人。”
“是的，”仲馬大聲回敬：“還有呢，如果你想知道的話， 我的曾祖父是一隻猴子。其實我的血統起始於你的血統終止的地方。”