笑話來源於生活，卻又可以讓我們的生多些歡樂、開心，現在，一起來開心爆笑下。
英語幽默笑話大全笑破你的肚子(1)
(一)
老師在黑板上寫了一句：Time is money.並讓同學們翻譯。有名學生答道：“湯姆是瑪麗。”
小明上英文課時跟老師說：May I go to the toilet?
老師說：Go ahead.
小明就坐了下來。過了一會兒，小明又跟老師說：May I go to the toilet? 老師說：Go ahead.
小明又坐了下來。他旁邊的同學於是忍不住問：你不是跟老師說要上廁所嗎?怎麼不去?
小明說：你沒聽老師說「去你個頭」啊!
(二)
某日劉洪濤遇到外賓，上前搭話曰：I am hongtao liu，外賓曰：我TM還是方片七呢! (三)
江青會見外賓，要求翻譯要嚴格按她的意思翻，不許走樣。外賓一見到江青，立刻拍馬屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻譯照翻，江青心花怒 放，嘴上還要謙虛一下：“哪裡，哪裡”。
翻譯不敢怠慢，把江青的話翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外賓一愣，還有這樣的人，追問哪裡漂亮的，乾脆馬屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere."
翻譯：“你到處都很漂亮。”江青更高興了，但總是要客氣一下：“不見得，不見得”。翻譯趕緊翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." (四)爆笑英語短笑話
話說某年某月的某一天，叄個神箭手約在一起比箭，目標是十尺外僕人頭上的蘋果。A神箭手挽弓長射，咻一聲，利箭正中蘋果。A高傲的昂起下巴，比出一根大 拇指道：「I AM后羿!」
B神箭手照本宣科，射中蘋果，這回他自大的喊了一句：「I AM丘位元!」
輪到C了，他也挽弓，利箭射出! 結果正中僕人的心臟。就聽他結結巴巴好久才吐出一句：「Y...」
(三)
一位在美的留學生，想要考國際駕照。在考試時因為過於緊張，看到地上標線是向左轉。 他不放心的問道:turn left?
監考官回答：right.
於是他立刻向右轉。
很抱歉他只有下次再來。
(四)
傳說克林頓和教皇同一天去世，上帝搞錯了，把克林頓送上了天堂，而把教皇送入了 地獄。發現錯誤後上帝馬上改了回來，路上二人相遇。
教皇：感謝上帝，我終於能見到聖母瑪利亞了(Virgin Maria).
克林頓(壞笑中)：Sorry，it"s too late.
(五)
某人刻苦學習英語，終有小成。一日上街不慎與一老外相撞， 忙說：I am sorry. 老外應道：I am sorry too.
某人聽後又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，問：What are you sorry for?
某人無奈，道：I am sorry five.
(六)
一位來自日本的旅客，坐計程車去機場的.路上，看到一輛汽車經過，就說：“oh，TOKOTA!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”又有一輛經過，他又說： “oh，NISSAN!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”司機有點不高興，覺得他太吵了!當第三輛經過時，他還是說：“oh，HONDA!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”
後來到了機場，那個日本人就問：“How Much?”計程車司機說：“1000!”
日本人驚奇的問司機：“為什麼那麼貴?”計程車司機回答說：“oh，mileometer(計 程表)!Made in Japan! It is very fast!”
(七)
英語老師問一個學生，“How are you是什麼意思”
學生想how是怎麼，you 是你，於是回答“怎麼是你?”
老師生氣又問另一個同學：“How old are you ?是什麼意思?”
這個同學想了想說：“怎麼老是你。”
(八)
某男，粗通英文，至使館，有表要填，有一欄是sex。
該男思之久已，毅然下筆：“Once a week“。
簽證官觀後暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.“ 該男頓時赧顏，思之，填下“female“，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?“
男急釋曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female.”
英語幽默笑話大全笑破你的肚子(2)
1.a kiss
At a dinner party, the speaker, who was the guest of honor, was about to deliver a speech when his wife sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
The guest seated next to the speaker said, "Your wife must love you very much, I see her send you a 'KISS' before you begin your speech."
The speaker smiled and explained, "You don't know my wife. The 'KISS' she give me stands for 'Keep It Short, Stupid.'"
2.A teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
Little Johnny then stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
一個老師在對學生們講心理學，“誰認為自己蠢就站起來?”她一開始就說。
小約翰尼站了起來。
“你認為你很蠢嗎，小約翰尼?”老師問。
“不是的，老師，我只是不喜歡看你一個人站著。”
3.a great man
Teacher: Would Shakespeare be a great man if he were still alive today?
Student: Of course. He must be a great man, for so far nobody has lived to over 400 years.
一名偉人
老師：如果莎士比亞還活著，他會是一名偉人嗎? 學生：當然。因為到目前為止，還沒有人活到400多歲。
4Two Cute dogs
A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does
your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog."
ceman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.
警察：有人搶你的手錶時，你為什麼不呼救呢? 男子：要是我張口的話，他們就會發現我的四顆
金牙。那就更糟了。
little girl did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little girl. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
一個小女孩非常不喜歡狗狂叫的樣子。
“沒有關係，”一位先生說，“不用害怕，你知道這條諺語嗎：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道嗎?”
s and Ass