2014笑話爆笑一：
犁和蘋果素來不和
犁和蘋果素來不和，一日犁看見蘋果旁邊的石榴便腆著肚子四處散佈謠言：快看蘋果是個流氓。然後指指裂開的石榴說：蘋果把她的肚子搞大了還懷了不止一個。
我是餐叉
一個小男孩頭上頂著一塊牛排走在街上，一個路過的人問道：“為什麼在頭上放一塊牛排呢?”小男孩回答道：“我是餐叉。”
摸骨看相
算命先生：“這位先生，本人擅長摸骨看相，您不看看?”水母：“滾!”
嫁雞隨機
小明家有隻小母雞，每天都在一個固定的地方下蛋。後來，它嫁給了一個公雞。從那以後，小母雞下蛋的地方再也不固定了，今天在這，明天在那，完全找不到規律。小明急了，就去問小母雞為什麼會這樣。小母雞說：嫁雞隨機嘛。
當礦泉水愛上方便麵
礦泉水愛上了方便麵，鼓起勇氣向她表白，卻被無情的拒絕了。礦泉水問：“為什麼?”方便麵不屑地說：“切，就你?一點熱乎勁都沒有，還想泡我!”
The Joke笑話
Sir William Thompson was very deaf but he did not like people to know this. One evening he had invited several friendsto dinner， and while they were sitting at the table， one of thefriends told a funny story. Everyone laughed， and SirWilliam， who had laughed as loud as anyone， said，“That was a very funny joke， but I know a funnier one. Would you liketo hear it?” They all said they would， so Sir William began hisstory. When it ended， everyone laughed louder than ever andSir William smiled happily. But he didn't know the reason for their laughter. He had told the very same story that his friendhad just told.
威廉·湯普森爵士非常聾，但他卻不願意讓別人知道這 件事，一天晚上，他邀請了幾位朋友吃飯。在就餐的時候，一 位朋友講了個有趣的故事，大都笑了，湯普森也和別人一 樣放聲大笑，他說：“這是個十分有趣的笑話，但是我還知道 一個更有趣的笑話，你們願意聽嗎?”朋友們都說願意聽。於 是，湯普森開始講他的故事。當故事講完時，大家笑得比方才 還厲害，湯普森的`臉上露出了欣慰的笑容。但他卻不知道別 人發笑的原因。原來，他講的正是方才那位朋友講的故事。
馬克·吐溫
On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being lacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES. ASCOT CUP STOLEN. Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it.
有一次，馬克·吐溫從紐約起程抵達倫敦訪問，《星報》認為這個訊息值得登在它的晚招貼上。但是，還有一條訊息也要登上：關於愛斯科杯被盜的訊息。招貼是這樣寫的： 馬克·吐溫 光臨 愛斯科杯 被盜 我們相信，馬克·吐溫從來也沒聽說過這件事。
怕老婆的丈夫
The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely. Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right. “It's good to see，”said the king，“that we have one real man in the these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall.” “Your Majesty，”came the reply in a squealing voice，“it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.”
古代有一個國王，他想證明他領土內的男人並非像人們傳說的那樣，受到老婆的管制。他把王國裡所有的男人都召到跟前，警告說，哪個男人膽敢不說實話，就會受到嚴厲的懲罰。然後，他叫所有聽從妻子的命令和意見的男人都走向大廳的左側。所有的男人都站到了左側，只有一個小個子男人站到了右側。國王說：“看到我們國家裡還有一個真正的男子漢，真是令人高興。告訴這些膽小的笨蛋，為什麼在他們當中只有你一個人站在大廳的右側。” “陛下，”那人尖聲地回答：“因為在我出門之前，我老婆告訴我不要扎堆。”
2014笑話爆笑二：
睡前禱告詞
Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."
Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"
And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"
朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“禱告上帝，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。”
媽媽打斷她說：“朱莉葉，你為什麼求上帝讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都呢?”
朱莉葉回答說：“因為我在地理考卷上是這麼寫的。”
幾月走的
When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect.
The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?"
傑克給人鞠躬，飛快地一點頭，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂禮貌。於是便有好心的人教他說，“下次鞠躬的時候，你就在心裡數：正月、二月、……一直數到十二月為止，然後再直起身來。這樣，禮節就周全了。”
第二天，傑克見到他的叔叔，他便如法炮製。這躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一驚，趕緊逃開了。傑克抬頭一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便問過路人：“我叔叔幾月走的?”
the important of a second language
A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.
Turning to her kittens, the cat said, "You see how important it is to know a second language."
一天，一隻貓媽媽領著4只小貓在路上走，卻遇到了一隻大狗。小貓們嚇的蜷縮成了一團，這時貓媽媽吼出了一連串的汪汪聲，大狗被嚇跑了。貓媽媽轉過身來對幾個小貓說，“孩子們，看看掌握一門外語是多麼的重要呀!”
微積分考試
今天考完微積分手都凍僵了，去澡堂洗澡，一進澡堂就看見一人高馬大的哥們在tuo衣服，肚皮上手臂上全是紋身。我沒敢多看，就鑽到隔間洗澡去了。一分鐘後，那哥們兒順手過來借洗髮水，我順勢一看，我瞬間就凌亂了，這哪是全是紋身，全是微積分公式!你說這大冬天的，真不知道他是怎麼抄上的。
是不是長了一嘴豬牙
同事家有小蘿莉屬虎的，長了兩顆虎牙，笑起很好看!有天蘿莉回去跟她媽媽說:“媽媽，我屬虎就長虎牙，你屬狗是不是長狗牙呢!”同事又氣又好笑就對小蘿莉說:“你爸爸還屬豬呢!你去問問看他是不是長了一嘴豬牙!”
超過200都不好看
婚前進服裝店。女：親愛的，這件好看嗎?男：嗯，挺好看的啊，你再試試那件，還有那件也不錯!……婚後進服裝店。女：親愛的，這件好看嗎?男：超過200了都不好看。
這是被綠了
跟女友 XX，她突然來了句：你怎麼短了這麼多。NM，我這是被綠了嗎?和女友接 吻後，她說：以後不要再抽黃山了，味道我受不了。我擦，老子從來抽不起!某日，去接女友下班，到門衛處表示身份，看門大爺：你是XXX男友嗎，不是吧，我見過的，比你好看多了!CAO!女友突然做了幾個好菜讓我品嚐，感動ING，忙說：不錯，不錯。然後她興奮地拿起電話：喂，親愛的，我會做飯了，真的!人可以吃!NM，這是拿我當試驗品嗎?
有個吃貨女朋友真好
女朋友跟我分手了。萬念俱灰的我，關緊門窗燒了一盆火炭，烤了三十串羊肉三十串脆骨十串羊腰五串韭菜五串辣椒五串香辣饅頭片兒，拍照發在微博上，不一會兒女朋友就敲門來找我複合了。