1. Into the Church
進教堂
Three buildings in town were overrun by squirrels—the town hall, the hardware store, and the church. The town hall brought in some cats. But after they tore up all the files, the mayor got rid of the predators, and soon the squirrels were back. The hardware store humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside town. But three days later, the squirrels climbed back in. Only the church came up with an effective solution. They baptizedthe squirrels and made them members. Now they see them only on Christmas and Easter.
鎮裡有三座建築物被松鼠佔領了--市政廳、五金店和教堂。市政廳引進了一些貓。但這些“獵手”撕毀了文件，於是它們也就被市長請出了市政廳。而很快，松鼠又回來了。五金店捕捉到松鼠後，施與憐憫將它們在鎮外釋放了。但三天後，松鼠爬回鎮裡來了。只有教堂採取了一種有效的解決方案。松鼠得到洗禮成為了教眾。現在，人們只會在聖誕節和復活節時才能看到松鼠。
2. Denomination
面額還是教派?
A woman goes to the post office and asks for 50 Hanukkah stamps. "What denomination?" asks the clerk. The woman says, "Six Orthodox, 12 Conservative, and 32 Reform."
一名女士走進郵局，問職員要50張光明節紀念郵票(小編注：光明節：猶太人慶祝光明到來的節日)。職員問。“多少面額的?”女士說：“6張東正教，12張保守黨，32張革新派。”
3. Good Lights
好燈
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but—wanting to make sure each bulb worked—she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don’t want this box," she said abruptly. "It’s been opened."
一位顧客進我們的`商店買聖誕燈。我給她看了我們店裡最好的牌子，但還需確認一下燈泡是否正常。她讓我把燈泡從盒子裡拿出來，然後通上電。我照做了。每一個燈泡都是正常的。她說:“非常好。”我小心翼翼地把這串聖誕燈放回盒子裡。可當我把這一盒燈泡交給她時，她吃驚地看著我，突然說：“我不要這一盒，它開啟過的。”
4. Stop the Presses
讓媒體閉嘴
These holiday “headlines” — concocted by the satirists at the Onion — are completely fabricated. And yet they have the ring of truth. Coal Now Too Expensive to Put in Christmas Stockings, Study Finds Link Between Red Wine, Letting Mother Know What You Really Think, Accountants Pack Times Square for Fiscal New Year, Book Given as Gift Actually Read
這些節日頭條--由全美最優質新聞媒體The Onion的諷刺作家杜撰--完全是胡編亂造，不過聽起來還真像是事實。諸如《放進聖誕襪的煤太貴了買不起》，《研究發現了紅酒間的聯絡》，《讓媽媽知道你真正在想什麼》，《會計人員蜂擁時代廣場慶祝新財年》，《書當聖誕禮物真有人讀》。