相親 Blind Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和盲約物件呆了一晚上後，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出一副陰沉的表情，說：“有個不幸的訊息，我的祖父剛剛去世了。”“謝天謝地!”他的約會物件說，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了!”
Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
一個律師與一個工程師在加勒比海邊釣魚。律師說：“我到這裡是因為我的房子被大火燒了，保險公司賠償了我所有的損失。”
“這太巧了，”工程師說，“我是因為房子被洪水沖垮了，保險公司也賠償了所有的損失。”
律師看起來有些困惑，“你是怎麼引起洪水的?”他不解的問。
預報天氣的印第安人
The Indian Who Could Foretell the Weather Two men were travelling in a very wild and lonely part of America. For days they had not even seen a house， only a few huts made of wood， or tents made of skins. Then one day they met an old Indian who earned his living by trapping animals for heir fur. They found that he knew their language and they had a little conversation with him. One of them asked him if he could tell them what the weather would be like within the next few days. “Oh yes，”he said.“Rain is coming， and there will be snow for two days， but after that there will be bright sunshine.” “Is n't that wonderful?” said one man to his friend.“These old Indians know more of the secrets of Nature than we do with all our science. They have not been spoiled by civilization.” Then he turned to the old Indian. “Tell me，”he said，“how you knew all that.” The Indian replied，“I heard it on the radio.”
有兩個人在美洲一個非常荒涼偏僻的地區旅行。好多天來，他們連所房子也沒看到，只看見幾個木棚子和皮帳篷。一天，他們遇到一個靠獵取獸皮謀生的印第安老人。他們發現他懂得他們的語言，就和他聊了一會兒。其中一個人問他，能否告知近幾天的天氣如何。 “哦，行啊”，他說。“就要下雨了，還要颳風。接著還得下兩天雪。這以後，就是大晴天了。” “這不是太神奇了嗎?”一個旅行者對他的朋友說。“這些印第安老人深知大自然的祕密，比我們有科學知識的人知道的還多。他們並沒有被現代文明所迷惑。”接著他轉向印第安老人： “請問，”他說，“你是怎麼知道這一切的呢?” 印第安老人答道：“我是從無線電裡聽來的。”
A Problem in Arithmetic
Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.
One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store. "How much are the apples?" he asked the store.
"Six for five cents." "But I don't want six apples." "How many apples do you want?" "It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic." "What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.
"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."
Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.
比爾是一個好學生，也是個聰明的孩子。他喜歡學數學，課本上所有的數學問題他都能不費勁地解答。
有一天，在上學路上，比爾經過一家水果店。該店窗戶上有個招牌上寫著：“蘋果--五美分六個。”比爾腦筋一轉，進了店門。 “蘋果怎麼賣?” “五美分六個。” “但我不想要六個。” “你想要幾個?” “這不是我想要幾個的問題。這是個數學問題。” “數學問題?你說這話是什麼意思?”
“你看，如果六個蘋果五美分，那麼五個蘋果四美分，四個蘋果三美分，三個蘋果二美分，二個蘋果一美分，一個蘋果就不要錢。我只要一個蘋果，如果一個蘋果一分錢也不要的話，那我也就沒必要給你錢了。”
比爾揀了一個好蘋果，開始吃了起來，然後興高采烈地邁出了店門。那個售貨員吃驚地望著這個小男孩，一句話也說不出來。
Lose One Pound減掉一磅
I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age."
Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"
我稱讚我的一個同事減肥10磅。可是，我禁不住誇耀說我17歲時，體重225磅，而目前體重是224磅。我還說：“這對我這樣年齡的男子來說，是不錯的`。”
一個女子聽到了這些話，她說道：“你是說你花了這麼長時間才減了1磅?”
The doctor lives downstairs醫生住在樓下
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."
“醫生”她衝進屋後大聲說道。“我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。”
他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅;第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。”
它們是從美國直接帶來的
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."
一位中國老婦人在美國看望女兒回來不久，到一家市銀行存女兒送給她的美元。在銀行櫃檯，銀行職員認真檢查了每一張鈔票，看是否有假。
這種做法讓老婦人很不耐煩，最後實在忍耐不住說：“相信我，先生，也請你相信這些鈔票。這都是真正的美元，它們是從美國直接帶來的。”
He is really somebody他真是一個大人物
My uncle has 1000 men under him.
He is really somebody. What does he do?
A maintenance man in a cemetery.
我叔叔下面有1000個人。
他真是一個大人物。幹什麼的?
墓地守墓人。
請把鬍子還給我
A man who sold brooms went into a barber’s shop to get shaved. The barber brought one of his brooms. After he had shaved him, he asked for the price of the brooms.
“Two pence,” said the man.
“No, no,” said the barber. “I will give you a penny, and if you don’t think that is enough, you may take your broom back!”
The man took it and asked what he had to pay his shave.
“A penny,” said the barber.
“I will give you a half penny, and if that is not enough, you may put my beard on again.”
一個賣掃帚的人去理髮店修面。理髮師從他那裡買了一把掃帚。當理髮師給他修面後，問一下他掃帚的價格。
買掃帚的人說：“兩個便士。”
“不，不。”理髮師說：“ 我只出一個便士，如果你認為不夠的話，可以把掃帚拿回去。”
賣掃帚的人拿回了掃帚，隨後問修面要付多少錢。
“一便士。”理髮師說。
賣掃帚的人說：“我給你半個便士，如果不夠的話，請把我的鬍子還給我。”
相親
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和盲約物件呆了一晚上後，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出一副陰沉的表情，說：“有個不幸的訊息，我的祖父剛剛去世了。”“謝天謝地!”他的約會物件說，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了!”
Boss's idea
When my printer's type began to go faint, I called a repair shop where a friendly man told me that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.
Because the shop charged 50 pounds for such cleanings, he told me, it would be better for me to read the printer's directions and try the job myself.
Pleasantly surprised by his words, I asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"
"Actually it's my boss's idea," the employee replied. "We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to repair things themselves first."
由於我的印表機不能打印出清晰的字來，我就打電話給維修部。電話是一位非常和藹的男人接的，他說我的印表機也許只是需要清理一下。
他還說，如果讓維修部清理的話要交50英鎊的清理費，讓我最好看看使用手冊自己試著清理。
當時我真的被他的話感動了，就問他：“你們老闆知道你這樣拒絕生意麼?”
“事實上，這就是我們老闆的主意，”僱員答道：“因為如果我們讓使用者先自行修理印表機的話就能掙更多的錢。”
Talking on the Telephone
Each Sunday the minister called the children to the front of the church while he told them a story. Once he brought a telephone to better illustrate the idea of prayer.
"You talk to people on the telephone and don't see them on the other end of the line, right?" he began.
The children nodded yes. "Well, talking to God is like talking on the telephone. He's on the other end, but you can't see him. He is listening though."
Just then a little boy piped up and asked, "What's his number?"
每個星期天牧師都會把孩子們叫到教堂前面，然後給他們講一個故事。一天，他為了更好地闡述祈禱的含義，帶來了一臺電話機。
“你們和別人在電話裡交談，並沒有看到電話線另一端的人，對嗎?”他開始問道。孩子們點頭稱是。“好的，和上帝交談就象通過電話交談一樣。他就在另一端，雖然你看不見他，但是他正在聆聽你的心聲。”
就在這時，一個小男孩尖著嗓子問道：“那他的電話號碼是什麼?”