英語的笑話帶翻譯

笑話具有篇幅短小，故事情節簡單而巧妙，往往出人意料，給人突然之間笑神來了的奇妙感覺的特點。大多揭示生活中乖謬的現象，具有諷刺性和娛樂性。其趣味有高下之分。英語的笑話帶翻譯有哪些？相信很多人都想知道吧？以下是小編為您整理的英語的笑話帶翻譯相關資料，歡迎閱讀！

英語的笑話帶翻譯

1、 "In secondary school, I was always self-conscious about my I was asked out by a life-guard. I had never really stood next to him and didn't know how tall he was, so the night of the date I took out two pairs of shoes-one with heels, one flat. I arranged with my brother to answer the door, compare his height with my date's and run upstairs to let me know which shoes to doorbell rang I waited. Then my brother showed up and told me what I didn't want to hear: "Go barefoot."中學的時候，我對自己的高度非常敏感。一次，一位救生員約我出去。事實上，我從未和他並肩站過，因而不知道他到底有多高。因此約會那晚，我拿出兩雙鞋，一雙高跟，一雙平跟。我安排哥哥去開門，讓他和救生員比比高度，再上樓告訴我應穿哪雙鞋。門鈴響了，我在樓上等著。哥哥跑上樓告訴了我一個不幸的訊息：“你可以光著腳去約會。”"

2、 "A man was sitting in a bar with tears streaming down his face. A friend walked in and asked why he was so unhappy. The weeping one said, The doctor has just told me I'll have to take these tablets for the rest of my rfully, his friend pointed out that many people have to take tablets every day of their life. Sure, came the reply, but he only gave me ten.一個男人坐在酒吧裡痛哭流淚。一個朋友走進來問他為何如此傷心。那人哭著說：剛才醫生告訴我，在我的餘生裡都要吃這些藥片。他的朋友很輕鬆地指出，許多人一輩子每天都要吃藥。當然，男人回答說：但是他只給了我十片。"

3、 "There was a blonde that was so sick of blonde jokes she died her hair red. The jokes stopped and she felt so good, she took a ride in the country one Saturday afternoon. While on this ride, she noticed a flock of sheep and stopped the car to take&n......。一個金髮女郎，是那麼噁心的黃色笑話她把頭髮染成紅色。笑話停了下來，她覺得很好，她在農村的一個搭車的星期六下午。而在這旅程，她注意到一群羊，停下車來把......。"

4、 "A medical student was called on to state how much of a certain drug he would give to a patient. He promptly replied: "Five grains." A minute later the student asked the professor, "May I correct my answer?" The professor looked at his watch and said: "It's too late. Your patient died thirty seconds ago." 一個醫科學生被要求說明他給病人服的那種藥的用量。他立即回答道：“五粒。” 一分鐘後，這個學生問教授：“我可以改正我的回答嗎？”教授看看手錶，說：“太晚啦，你的病人已在30秒鐘以前死了。”"

5、 "A man was a butterfingers. He had been suffering from unemployment for months. At last he found a job in a chinaware house. He had worked only a few days when he dropped a large vase. The manager summoned him to the office and told him that money would be deducted from his wages every week until the vase was paid for. He asked: "How much did it cost?" "Five hundred dollars." said the manager. "Oh, that's wonderful," he said happily, "I'm so happy that I have got a steady job at last."  有一個人很粗心，老是打爛東西。他已失業好幾個月了。  最後他在一個瓷器店找到了一個工作。可是才幹了幾天，他就打爛了一個很大的花瓶。  經理把他到辦公室去，告訴他每個星期都要扣他的工錢，直到賠償夠了為止。他就問：“那個花瓶值多少錢?”經理說：“值500美元。”他很高興地說：“啊!太妙了，我非常高興，終於有個穩定的工作啦。”"

6、 "A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner, people." A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off that !" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good," chuckled the veteran policemen, "especially since this is a bus stop!" 一名新警察與老警察開著警車第一次出去巡邏。 他們得到命令去疏散一群閒逛的人，於是他們開車去了那條街，看到路口站著一群人。 新警察搖下窗戶：“大家注意了，快離開這裡。”人們看了他幾眼，沒理他。他喊起來：“離開這裡，馬上離開!”大家都不知道怎麼回事，但是在他的威脅下還是離開了。 新警察對他第一次執行公務的結果很滿意，對老警察說：“我幹得怎麼樣？”“你做得很好，”老警察笑著說，“尤其是在公共汽車站。”"

7、 Now i can go homeOne day after school the teacher said to his students，“Tomorrow morning，if any one of you can answer my first question．I'll permit him or her to go home earlier．” The next day，when the teacher came into the classroom，he found the blackboard daubed．He was very angry and asked，“Who did it？Please stand up! ” “It' s me，”said Bob，“Now，I can go home，Good－bye，Sir! ”我 可 以 回 家 了一天，放學以後，老師對他的學生們說：“明天上午，如果你們當中的任何一個同學能回答我的第一個問題，我就准許他或她最先回家。”第二天，老師走進教室時發現黑板已被亂塗，他非常生氣地問：“誰塗的？ 請站起來。”鮑勃說：“先生，是我，現在我可以回家了，再見。”

8、 ""Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying.""Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any.""But has he finished his own cake?""Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."“湯姆，你弟弟怎麼了？” 媽媽在廚房裡問。“他在哭。”“沒事兒，媽媽，”湯姆答道。“我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因為我不給他吃。”“他已經吃完自己的了麼？”“是的。”“我幫他吃完時，他也哭了。”"

9、 "A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog ender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."Bartender: "That should make you happy."The man: "No, the month is up today!"一個男人坐在酒吧裡，傷心至極。酒吧招待：“你怎麼了？跟老婆鬧矛盾了？”男人：“我們吵了一架，她說一個月都不跟我說話。”酒吧招待：“那你應該高興才是啊！”男人：“不，今天是這個月的最後一天。”"

10、 "After supper, the parents were busy playing mah-jong with the guests. At this point the mother thought of something and said to her son who was watching TV, "Honey, go see if the kitchen light is on or not?" After a while, her son returned and said, "Ma, the kitchen is so dark that I cannot see it at all."  晚飯後，父親和母親都忙著和客人玩麻將，這時母親忽然想起點兒事來，便對正在看電視的兒子說道：“寶貝，去看看廚房裡的燈是不是還開著呢？” 過了一會兒，兒子回來說：“媽，廚房裡太黑了，我根本就看不見。”"

11、 "The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives. He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely（嚴格地，嚴厲地） he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel（勸告，建議） to step to the left side of the hall. All the men did so but one little man who moved to the 's good to see, said the king, that we have one real man in the kingdom. Tell these chickenhearted（膽小的） dunces（傻瓜） why you alone among them stand on the right side of the Majesty, came the reply in a squealing voice, it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds.一個真正的男子漢古代有一個國王，他想證明他領土內的男人並非像人們傳說的那樣，受到老婆的管制。他把王國裡所有的男人都召到跟前，警告說，哪個男人膽敢不說實話，就會受到嚴厲的懲罰。然後，他叫所有聽從妻子的命令和意見的男人都走向大廳的左側。所有的男人都站到了左側，只有一個小個子男人站到了右側。國王說：看到我們國家裡還有一個真正的男子漢，真是令人高興。告訴這些膽小的笨蛋，為什麼在他們當中只有你一個人站在大廳的右側。陛下，那人尖聲地回答：因為在我出門之前，我老婆告訴我不要扎堆。"

12、 "As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"一個女孩爬到聖誕老人的膝蓋上，聖誕老人例行公事的問：“今年聖誕節你想要什麼呢？”孩子瞪大眼睛驚訝的望著聖誕老人一分鐘都沒講話，然後喘著氣說到：“你沒收到我的電子郵件嗎？（我想要什麼都寫上面了，萬能的聖誕老人咋能不知道捏）”"

13、 "Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!傑瑞去看精神病醫生。“醫生，我有些不對勁。每次睡覺的時候，我都感覺有人在床下。我要瘋了！”“給我一年時間，”醫生說，“每週來三次，我會治好你。”“費用是多少呢？”“每次一百美元。”“我會認真考慮的。”傑瑞答道。六個月後醫生和傑瑞在街上相遇了，“為什麼你再也沒來呢？”醫生問。“一次一百塊錢嗎？有個酒吧服務生收了十塊錢就把我治好了。”“真的？他怎麼做到的？”“他讓我把床腿鋸掉。現在那沒人了！”"

14、 "Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings."Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!""Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."父親在哪兒？兄弟倆在看一些漂亮的油畫。“看，”哥哥說，“這些畫多漂亮呀！”“是啊，”弟弟說道，“可是在所有這些畫中，只有媽媽和孩子。那爸爸去哪兒了呢？”哥哥想了會兒，然後解釋道：“很明顯，他當時正在畫這些畫唄。”"

15、 "A lorry driver makes inquiry of a mountaineer, "Excuse me, where can I buy the auto accessories（附件） in the neighborhood?" Mountaineer says, "Some people usually drive heroic car on the road. There is a abrupt turn（急轉彎） ahead not far from here, and a clough（深谷） just below it, where you can find all kinds of the auto accessories. You will spend no money at all."一個卡車司機向一山民打聽：“請問，這附近哪兒能買到汽車配件？” 山民說：“這條路上經常有人開英雄車，前面不遠處是個急轉彎，急轉彎的下面就是深谷，那深谷裡什麼樣的汽車配件都有——根本用不著花錢。”"

16、 "At auction spot, someone has lost a bag, in which has the vital owner says, "Once who picked it up brings it to me, I will take out 200 dollars to remunerate reward him or her."On hearing the news, another chap（小夥子，傢伙） shouts out:" I reward 300 dollars."  拍賣會上，有人的包丟了，裡面裝有重要檔案。物主說：“有誰揀到送還，我將拿出200美元以表酬謝。”話剛出口，就聽有人喊：“我出300美元。”"

17、 "A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill.""I am afraid that he is dead." said the ing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive.""Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!"一個男人在街上被計程車撞倒送進了醫院。他的妻子站在他的床前對醫生說：“我想他傷得很厲害。”醫生說：“恐怕他已經死了。”聽到醫生的話，這個男人轉動著頭說：“我沒死，我還活著。”妻子說：“安靜，醫生比你懂得多。”"

18、 The owner of a large department store went over hisbooks and discovered that his most trusted employee had stolenover a million dollars from the firm．“I want no scandal，” saidthe owner．“I'll just fire you．” The employee replied，“True，I robbed your firm of quitea tidy sum． I now have yachts， a country mansion， jewelry，and every luxury you can think of． I don't need a thing， sowhy hire somebody else and have him start from scratch？”一家大百貨店的老闆在查帳中發現，他最信任的僱員從公司偷走了一百多萬美元。“我不要醜聞。”老闆說。“我只要開除你。”那個僱員回答說：“不錯，我是偷了你公司相當一大筆錢。現在我有遊艇、一座鄉村別墅、珠寶，以及你能想到的一切 奢侈品。我什麼都不需要了，你為什麼要再僱個人來，讓他從頭做起呢？”

19、 On his deathbed poor Lubin lies； His spouse is in despair； With frequent sobs and mutual cries； They both express their care． “A different cause，”says Parson Sly， “The same effect may give： Poor Lubin fears that he may die ； His wife，that he may live”．馬修·普賴厄 可憐的魯賓躺在他的病床裡； 他的妻子陷入絕望； 頻頻啜泣，相對哭啼， 他們都表達著憂傷。 “不同原因，”滑頭牧師說， “可產生同樣結果： 可憐的魯賓怕他會死； 他老婆，怕他會活。”

20、 "Compare other things？比一下其他？Son: Mom, John has a pair of shoes with Gordon’s name : You just care about this? Haven’t you compared other things?Son: Yes, his mother is prettier than you.兒子：媽媽，John有雙喬丹簽名的球鞋。媽媽：你只關心這個嗎？不會比一下其它東西？兒子：有啊，他媽媽比你漂亮。"

21、 "A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter. My dear, said the old lady, I wish you would do something for me. I wish you would promise me never to use two words. One is ‘lousy’ and the other is ‘swell’. Would you promise me that?Why, sure, Granny, said the girl. What are the two words?一個非常和藹的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。我親愛的，老夫人說，我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞，一個是“討厭的”，另一個是“極好的”。你能答應我嗎？噢，當然，奶奶。女孩說：是哪兩個詞？"

22、 "Our physics professor was struggling to draw the class into discussion of Archimede's principle of water displacement. He told us that Archimede noticed that when he got into a pool at the public bathhouse, the water rose spilling over the edge. Excited at his discovery, he ran down the street yelling, "Eureka, eureka!" The instructor asked if anyone knew what that meant.  One student stood up and answered, "I'm naked ! I'm naked!"我們的物理教授千方百計引導我們討論阿基米德的排水原理。他告訴我們阿基米德去公共浴池洗澡，他進入池子，發現水漲高了，溢位池沿。他對這一發現十分激動，跑到街上高叫：“Eureka，Eureka！”教授問我們誰知道他喊的是什麼意思。一個學生站起來答道：“我光屁股啦，我光屁股啦！”"

23、 "A husband and wife,both 91,stood before a judge,asking for a porce."I don't understand,"He said,"Why do you want a porce at this time of life?"the husband explained "Well , you see,We wanted to wait until the children died."有一個丈夫和妻子都是91歲，他們站在法官面前，要求離婚。“我不明白，”法官說，“你們為什麼到了這把年紀還要離婚？”丈夫解釋道：“嗯，你是知道的，我們以前是喲等到孩子們都死了。”"

24、 "A friend of mine noticed a man staggering about in the Times Square subway station. A well-dressed Wall Street type, his coat was unbuttoned, a briefcase dangled from his hand and he'd obviously had one too many.  Asked if he was all right, the man gave a slurred but affirmative response. However, my friend simply could not see someone brave the rough maw of a New York subway without trying to help. He followed the chap, and again asked, "Are you sure you're all right? What subway are you looking for? Do you need help getting home?"   At last, the object of his attentions snarled, in a low voice, "Leave me alone! I'm an undercover cop!"我的一位朋友看到一個男子在時代廣場的地鐵車站搖搖晃晃地走。那個人穿著時髦，敞著懷，一個手提箱在他的手裡懸吊著，很明顯他是多喝了一杯。我朋友問他怎麼樣，那男子含糊而肯定地回答說沒問題。然而我朋友就是不能眼看著有人在紐約地鐵獨入是非之地而置之不顧。他跟在那傢伙的後面，又一次問道：“你肯定你沒事？你在找哪個地鐵站？你需要幫忙回家嗎？”他所注意的物件終於忍耐不住了，對他低聲咆哮道：“你給我走開！我是便衣警察！”"

25、 A wealthy old lady who lived near Dr．Swift used to send him presents occasionally by her servant．Dr．Swift took her presents but never gave the boy anything for his trouble．One day as Swift was busy with his writing， the boy rushed into his room， knocked some books out of their place， threw his parcelon the desk and said，“ my mistress has sent you two of herrab bits．” Swift turned round and said，“My boy， that is not the way to deliver your parcel．Now， you sit in my chair，watch my way of doing it and learn your lesson．” The boy sat down． Swift went out， knocked on his door and waited． The boy said“Come in．” The doctor entered，walked to his desk and said，“If you please sir， my mistress sends her kind regards and hopes you will accept these rabbits which her son shot this morning in her fields．” The boy answered，“Thank you， my boy， Give your mistress and her son my thanks for their kindness and here is two shillings for yourself．” The Doctor laughed， and after that， Swift never forgot to give the boy his tip．在斯威夫特博士家附近，有一位富有的老婦人，她時常打發僕人給他送禮物。斯威夫特博士接受她的禮物，但從不給小廝任何酬謝。一天，斯威夫特博士正忙著寫東西，小廝衝進了他的房間，把書一扒拉，將一個包裹扔在書桌上，說道：“我的女主人送給你兩隻兔子。” 斯威夫特轉過身來說：“孩子，包裹可不是這樣送法呀。現在，你坐在我的椅子上，看看我是怎麼送的，並要記取這個教訓。” 小廝坐了下來，斯威夫特走出去，敲了敲門，等待迴音。小廝說“進來”。博士進了門，走到桌旁說道：“先生，我的女主人向您致以親切的問候，並希望您收下這些兔子，這是她兒子今天早晨在地裡打的。” 小廝回答說：“謝謝你，我的孩子。向你的女主人和她的兒子致謝，謝謝他們的關心。這兩個先令是送給你本人的。” 博士笑了，打那以後，斯威夫特從沒忘記送小費給小廝。

26、 ""Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants reducing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."“我想讓你坦率地說我到底得了什麼病。”他從頭到腳打量打量她，然後大聲說：“太太，我有三件事要對你說。第一，您的體重需要減少大約50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口紅，您的美貌將會改變。第三，我是一位畫家——醫生住在樓下。”"

27、 "Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited imaginary hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.  A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.   "Oh yes, " he said. "They are my friends.   "In that case, " warned the officer, "you'd better get them out of here!"   "Yes, sir, " the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.三位男子在公園的長椅上坐著。中間的一個在讀報紙，另外兩個在假裝釣魚。他們給想象的魚鉤上魚餌，放線，並卷線把魚抓上來。一位過路警察駐足觀察了這個景象，他問中間的那個男子是否認識其他兩位。   “喔，認識，”他說，“他們是我的朋友。”“那樣的話，”警察告誡說，“你最好把他們從這裡弄走。”   “好的，警官。”那男子回答說，接著就開始瘋狂般地做起划槳的動作來。"

28、 "A competition which subject is on giving up drinking is proceeding. One of lecturers says excitedly, " Alcohol can break down conjugal（婚姻的） relation, even cause your wife to leave you… "A man shouts out at the news, "Give me another bottle of Brandy."以戒酒為主題的演講比賽正在進行，一個演講者動情地說：“酒精可以破壞夫妻關係，甚至導致妻子離開自己的丈夫……”這時一個男人大聲喊：“再來一瓶白蘭地！”"

29、 "The zoo built a special eight-foot-high enclosure for its newly acquired kangaroo, but the next morning the animal was found hopping around outside. The height of the fence was increased to 15 feet, but the kangaroo got out again. Exasperated, the zoo director had the height increased to 30 feet, but the kangaroo still escaped. A giraffe asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll build the fence?"  "I don't know, " said the kangaroo. "Maybe a thousand feet if they keep leaving the gate unlocked.動物園為剛引進的袋鼠建了一個特殊的八英尺高的圍牆。但是第二天早上，人們發現這動物在圍牆外面蹦跳著。於是圍牆高度增加到十五英尺，但袋鼠還是跑了出來。動物園經理甚感惱火，又叫人把圍牆高度加到三十英尺，但袋鼠還是逃了出來。一個長頸鹿問袋鼠：“你認為他們會把圍牆建到多高？” “我不知道，”袋鼠說，“如果他們繼續開著大門，可能要修到一千英尺吧。”"

30、 Young hopeful：“Father，what is a traitor in politics？” Father（a veteran politician）：“A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one．” Young hopeful：“Well then，what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours？” Father：“A convert，my son．”有希望的青年人：“父親，什麼叫政治叛徒？” 父親（一位老資格的政治家）：“叛徒指的是離開我們黨而加入到另一個黨的人。” 有希望的青年人：“那麼，離開他的黨而加入到我們黨的人又叫什麼呢？” 父親：“叫改變信仰者。我的兒子。”

31、 On one occasion when Mark Twain arrived in London from New York，the Star thought the fact worth recording onits evening placard．But there was another piece of news to bementioned：it was about the Ascot Cup being stolen．Theplacard thus ran： MARK TWAIN ARRIVES． ASCOT CUP STOLEN． Mark Twain，we believe，never heard the last of it．有一次，馬克·吐溫從紐約起程抵達倫敦訪問，《星報》認為這個訊息值得登在它的晚招貼上。但是，還有一條訊息也要登上：關於愛斯科杯被盜的訊息。招貼是這樣寫的： 馬克·吐溫 光臨 愛斯科杯 被盜 我們相信，馬克·吐溫從來也沒聽說過這件事。

32、 The ruler of an ancient kingdom wanted to disprove the statement that the men of his domain were ruled by their wives．He had all the males in his kingdom brought before him and warned that any man who did not tell the truth would be punished severely． Then he asked all the men who obeyed their wives' directions and counsel to step to the left side of the hall． All the men did so but one little man who moved to the right． “It's good to see，”said the king，“that we have one real man in the kingdom．Tell these chickenhearted dunces why you alone among them stand on the right side of the hall．” “Your Majesty，”came the reply in a squealing voice，“it is because before I left home my wife told me to keep out of crowds．”古代有一個國王，他想證明他領土內的男人並非像人們傳說的那樣，受到老婆的`管制。他把王國裡所有的男人都召到跟前，警告說，哪個男人膽敢不說實話，就會受到嚴厲的懲罰。然後，他叫所有聽從妻子的命令和意見的男人都走向大廳的左側。所有的男人都站到了左側，只有一個小個子男人站到了右側。國王說：“看到我們國家裡還有一個真正的男子漢，真是令人高興。告訴這些膽小的笨蛋，為什麼在他們當中只有你一個人站在大廳的右側。” “陛下，”那人尖聲地回答：“因為在我出門之前，我老婆告訴我不要扎堆。”

33、 "Julie was saying her bedtime prayers. "Please God," she said, "Make Naples the capital of Italy. Make Naples the capital of Italy."Her mother interrupted and said, "Julie, why do you want God to make Naples the capital of Italy?"And Julie replied, "Because that's what I put in my geography exam!"朱莉葉在做睡前禱告。“禱告上帝，”她說，“讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都吧。”媽媽打斷她說：“朱莉葉，你為什麼求上帝讓那不勒斯成為義大利的首都呢？”朱莉葉回答說：“因為我在地理考卷上是這麼寫的。”"

34、 "When Jack bowed to someone, he always did it at lightening speed. You shouldn't wait any longer after he has had his head nod. So he was blamed for no manners. Then some warmhearted men taught him, "When you bow to somebody next time, you can count 'January, February, March. until December. Then you can lift your body up. Thus, the ceremony will be perfect. The next day, he met his uncle, he did as the men told him. The bow was so long that it made his uncle feel surprised and escaped away soon . When Jack looked up, he found his uncle gone . So he asked the passer, "Which month did he go away?"傑克給人鞠躬，飛快地一點頭，就算完了。大家都怪他不懂禮貌。於是便有好心的人教他說，“下次鞠躬的時候，你就在心裡數：正月、二月、……一直數到十二月為止，然後再直起身來。這樣，禮節就周全了。”第二天，傑克見到他的叔叔，他便如法炮製。這躬鞠得太久，叔叔吃了一驚，趕緊逃開了。傑克抬頭一看，其叔早已不知去向，他便問過路人：“我叔叔幾月走的？”"

35、 "A cat and her four kittens ran into a large dog. When the kittens cowered, the cat let out a series of loud barks, scaring the dog away.  Turning to her kittens, the cat said, "You see how important it is to know a second language."一天，一隻貓媽媽領著4只小貓在路上走，卻遇到了一隻大狗。小貓們嚇的蜷縮成了一團，這時貓媽媽吼出了一連串的汪汪聲，大狗被嚇跑了。貓媽媽轉過身來對幾個小貓說，“孩子們，看看掌握一門外語是多麼的重要呀！”"

36、 "Pulling alongside our drive-up bank window, a woman was not happy with her position. So she backed up and pulled closer. Still not satisfied, she backed away and tried again. After five attempts, she finally parked the car and rolled down her window. I greeted her with a simple "Good morning".  "Good morning," she replied cheerfully. "I'm going to have to use this drive-up all the time. It's so easy!"一位婦女把車沿著我們銀行的驅車直達視窗開過來，可她並不滿意於她停的位置。因此她倒車，靠得更近點。還是不滿意，倒車，再來。五次努力後，終於她把車停下來，搖下車窗。我簡單地問候她一聲“早上好”。   “早上好，”她愉快地回答說，“以後我都要使用這種驅車直達視窗。真是如此的方便。”"

37、 "One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – If I Am a the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.I am waiting for my secretary, was the boy’s answer.一天課上，老師要同學們以如果我是一個經理為題寫一篇作文。所有的學生都在動筆寫了，只有一個男生例外。老師走過去問他為什麼不寫。我在等我的祕書。那孩子答道。"

38、 The English author，Richard Savage，was once living in London in great poverty．In order to earn a little money he hadwritten the story of his life，but not many copies of the bookhad been sold in the shops，and Savage was living from hand tomouth．As a result of his lack of food he became very ill，butafter a time，owing to the skill of the doctor who had lookedafter him，he got well again．After a week or two the doctorsent a bill to Savage for his visits， but poor Savage hadn't anymoney and couldn't pay it．The doctor waited for another month and sent the bill again． But still no money came． Afterseveral weeks he sent it to him again asking for his money．Inthe end he came to Savage's house and asked him for payment，saying to Savage，“You know you owe your life to me and Iexpected some gratitude from you．” “I agree，” said Savage，“that I owe my life to you， and toprove to you that I am not ungrateful for your work I will givemy life to you．”With these words he handed to him two volumes entitled，The life of Richard Savage．英國作家理查德·薩維奇一度在倫敦過著貧困潦倒的生活，為了賺幾個錢，他曾寫了有關他自己生平的故事。但是這部書在書店裡並沒有賣出幾本，薩維奇過著朝不保夕的日子。由於缺乏食物，他病得很厲害。後來，由於給他治療的那個醫生的高明醫術，他才又恢復了健康。過了一兩個星期之後，醫生給薩維奇送來了一張討要診費的帳單，但是貧窮的薩維奇沒有錢來償付。醫生等了一個月後又送來了帳單，但仍然未索回分文。幾個星期之後，他又送來帳單要錢。最後，醫生本人來到了薩維奇的家中，對他說：“你明白，你是欠我一條命的，我希望你有所報答。” “是的，”薩維奇說，“我是欠你一條命，為了向你證明我對你的診治不是不報答，我將把我的命給你。” 說著這番話，薩維奇遞給醫生兩卷書，名叫《理查德·薩維奇的一生》。

39、 A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer．“No，ma’am， we haven't had any for a while， and it doesn't look asif we'll be getting soon．” Horrified，the manager came runningover to the customer and said，“Of course， we'll have somesoon， We placed an order last week．” Then the manager drewthe clerk aside：“Never， never， never say we are out of anything—say we've got it on order and it's coming． Now whatwas it she wanted？” “Rain．” said the clerk．一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：“不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。”經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：“當然，馬上就會有的。我們上週訂了貨。”然後經理把店員拉到一邊：“千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什麼——說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什麼？” “雨，”店員說。

40、 "A preacher is buying a parrotAre you sure it doesnt scream, yell, or swear? asked the absolutely. Its a religious parrot, the storekeeper assures you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lords prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd erful! says the preacher, but what happens if you pull both strings?I fall off my perch, you stupid fool! screeched the parrot.一個傳教士在買鸚鵡“你確信它不會尖叫，大叫或詛咒別人嗎？”傳教士問。“哦，絕對不會。它是一隻虔誠的鸚鵡。”店主保證說。“你看見它腿上的這些細繩了嗎？當你拉動右面的這根，它會背誦天主經，當你拉動左面的那根，它會背誦讚美詩”“太棒了！”傳教士說，“但是如果我同時拉動兩條繩子，會發生什麼呢？”“我會從樹幹上掉下去的，你這個笨蛋！”鸚鵡尖聲說道。"

41、 ""If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the poor, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class."No!" the children all answered."If I cleaned the church everyday, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"Again, the answer was, "No!""Well, " I continued, "then how can I get into heaven?"A five-year-old boy shouted out, "You gotta be dead!"“如果我把房子和車賣了，在車庫舉行義賣, 並把所有的錢給窮人，我能進天堂嗎？”我問主日學校的孩子。孩子們齊聲回答：“不能！”“那如果我每天都打掃教堂，給院子的草坪割草，並且把東西都收拾得乾淨整潔，我會上天堂嗎？”回答還是：“不能！”“好吧， ”我繼續問, “那我要怎樣才能昇天堂呢？”一個五歲的男孩兒叫道：“你得死了才行！”"

42、 "Mrs. Flinders decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."  "But you're not wearing any of those things."   "I know," said Mrs. Flinders." It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry right away, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewelry."福林德斯夫人決定讓人給她畫肖像。她告訴那位肖像畫家說：“畫我帶著鑽石耳環、鑽石項鍊、祖母綠手鐲，還有紅寶石垂飾。”   “但你現在沒帶這其中的任何一樣飾品。”“我知道。”福林德斯夫人說，“萬一我先我丈夫死去，我肯定他會立刻再婚。我要讓那個女人為尋找這些珠寶而發瘋。”"

43、 What Are The Two Words？A very nice old lady had a few words to say to her granddaughter．“My dear，” said the old lady，“I wish you would do something for me．I wish you would promise me never to use two words．One is‘lousy’and the other is‘swell’．Would you promise me that？ “Why，sure，Granny，”said the girl．“What are the two words？”一個非常高貴的老夫人有幾句話要對她的孫女說。“我親愛的，”老夫人說：“我希望你能幫我一個忙。我要你答應永遠不要用兩個詞。一個是‘討厭的’，另一個是‘極好的’。你能答應我嗎？” “噢，當然，奶奶。”女孩說：“是哪兩個詞？”

44、 "he first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問：“我們要去哪裡？” 第一顆番茄沒有回答，第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄還沒回答，所以第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄終於慢慢轉頭說：“我們不是番茄嗎？我們會說話嗎？”"

45、 "The Same DutiesA retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet. "Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army," the general said. "Nothing to it-you'll catch on again fast." Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said, "OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you."相同的職責一個退休的四星級將軍在曼哈頓的一個酒吧偶然地遇到了他以前的勤務兵，勤務兵也退休在家。這位將軍花了一整個晚上的時間來說服他回來做他的貼身隨從。“你的職責與在軍隊時完全一樣，”將軍說，“這沒什麼，你很快就會再次理解它的。” 第二天早晨八點鐘時，前勤務兵迅速地進到前將軍的臥室，拉開窗簾，輕輕地搖了搖將軍，然後大步走到床的另一側，在他僱主的妻子屁股上拍了一下，說道：“好了，甜心，你該回到村莊去了。”"

46、 "A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進飯店就大聲嚷嚷：“喂，有什麼好菜儘管端上來，錢多少我不在乎。”服務員聽了很不是滋味：“哥兒們，錢多頂個屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做！”年青人勃然大怒：“誰敢佔老子的便宜？你說，是誰不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子？”服務員慢條斯理地答道：“你爺爺！”"

47、 "A store manager heard a clerk tell a customer. No, ma’am, we haven't had any for a while, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting ified, the manager came runningover to the customer and said, Of course, we'll have somesoon, We placed an order last week. Then the manager drew the clerk aside: Never, never, never say we are out of anything say we've got it on order and it's what was it she wanted? Rain, said the clerk.一個商店經理聽見一個店員對顧客說：不，夫人，這會兒沒有，一時半會兒看來也不會有。經理驚恐萬分地跑到顧客跟前說：當然，馬上就會有的。我們上週訂了貨。然後經理把店員拉到一邊：千萬，千萬，千萬不要說我們沒有什麼，說我們已經訂了貨，貨馬上就到。現在你說她要買什麼？ 雨，店員說。"

48、 "The two boys were camping in the backyard. When they couldn't figure out what time it was, the first boy said to the second, "Start singing very loud.""How will that help?" said the second boy."Just do it," insisted the boys broke into song, singing at the top of their lungs. Moments later, a neighbor threw open her window and shouted, "Keep it down! Don't you know it's three o'clock in the morning?"兩個男孩子在後院露營，他們不知道到了晚上幾點鐘。於是，一個男孩對另外一個說：“我們開始大聲唱歌就行了。”“那就會知道時間嗎？”第二個男孩問。“只管唱吧。”第一個堅持道。兩個孩子開始大聲唱歌，過了一會兒，一個鄰居開啟窗戶喊道：“小聲點！你們不知道現在是凌晨三點嗎？”"

49、 "Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office."Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."Jim和Mary都是精神病院裡的病人。一天，他們沿著醫院的游泳池散步，Jim突然跳入泳池的深水區，他沉到了底部。Mary立刻跳下去救他，她潛到水底，把Jim拉了上來。當院長聽聞了Mary的英勇行為後，他立刻翻看了她的病歷檔案,把她叫進了自己的辦公室.“Mary，我有一個好訊息和一個壞訊息要告訴你。好訊息是你能跳入水中救其他病人，這說明你的意識已經恢復了，你可以出院了。壞訊息就是，Jim，你救的那個病人，他還是用自己的浴袍帶子在浴室上吊自殺了。”Mary說：“他沒有自殺，是我把他吊起來好讓他晾乾。”"

50、 This story is told of a browbeating counsel，who habitually endeavored to terrorize his opponent's witnesses．One witness rather tended to preface his replies with lengthy explanations．“I want‘yes’or‘no，’”thundered counsel．“There is no need for you to argue the point！”“But there are some questions which cannot be answered by‘yes’or‘no，’”mildly responded the witness．“There are not！” snapped the lawyer．“Oh，” said the witness，“answer this then：Have you ceased beating your wife？”這個故事講的是一個咄咄逼人的辯護律師，他慣於儘量去恐嚇對方的證人。有一個證人有點傾向於在回答問題之前做冗長的解釋。“我要你回答‘是’或者‘不是’，”辯護律師怒喝道： “你沒有必要就這個問題進行爭論。”“可是有些問題無法用‘是’或者‘不是’來回答。”這位證人溫和地回敬他。“不存在這樣的問題！”律師厲聲打斷他。“噢，”證人說：“那麼請你回答這個問題：你停止打你老婆了嗎？”