導語：幽默，是智力過剩的表現，笑話就是它完美的表達。今天小編為大家準備了爆笑英語小笑話集錦，歡迎閱讀!
爆笑英語小笑話集錦(一)
1 I'm Trying to Stop It
"Boy, why have you got cotton-wool in your ear? Is it infected?"
"No, sir, but you said yesterday that everything you told me went in one ear and out the other , so I am trying to stop it."
“孩子，你為什麼用棉花塞住耳朵?它感染了嗎?”
“沒有，老師。可是你昨天說你告訴我的知識都是一個耳朵裡進，一個耳朵裡出，所以我要把它堵在裡面。”
2 “I'm sorry ，Madam ，but I shall have to charge you twenty dollars for pulling your boy's tooth .”
“Twenty d ollars! Why ，I understand you to say that you charged only four dollars for such work!”
“Yes ，but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared four other patients out of the office .”
“對不起，夫人，為您孩子拔牙我要收取20美元。”
“20美元!為什麼?不是說好只要4美元。”
“是的，但是你的孩子大喊大叫，把另外四個病人嚇跑了。”
3 TWO： Teacher：We all know that beat causes an object to expand an cold cauese it to contract. Now，can anyone give me a good example?
John：Well ，in the summer the days are long，and in the winter the days are short.
老師：我們都知道熱脹冷縮的道理。現在，誰給我舉個例子?
約翰：嗯，在夏天天都長，在冬天天都短。
4 Second language
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat crouched behind a bush. She
watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the value of a second language?"
一隻母老鼠帶著孩子出來散步，突然她看見一隻貓正在灌木叢中虎視耽耽。
母老鼠向著貓叫道：“汪，汪，汪”，貓聽了非常害怕，拼命跑走了。
母老鼠回過頭洋洋自得的對孩子說：“現在你知道外語的重要性了吧。”
改改,添一下
5 I work for 7 up"! 我可是在七喜公司工作呀
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to
the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of
Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got
triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up
to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of
them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on
the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四個好朋友在醫院裡碰面了,他們的妻子正在生產.護士過來對第一個男人說:"恭喜,你得了雙胞胎."男人說:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼蘇達雙子隊的經理."過了一會兒,護士過來對第二個男人說:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜歡:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最後,護士跑來對第三個男人說:"恭喜,你得了2對雙胞胎."男人很開心地說:"真令人啼笑皆非,我為四季賓館工作."他們三個都很高興,但第四個夥伴急得像熱鍋上的螞蟻,咒罵上帝並用頭撞牆.他們問他有什麼不對勁,他回答道:"什麼不對勁?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
爆笑英語小笑話集錦(二)
1 Midway Tactics
Three competing store owners rented adjoining shops in a mall. Observers waited for mayhem to ensue.
The retailer on the right put up huge signs saying, "Gigantic Sale!" and "Super Bargains!"
The store on the left raised bigger signs proclaiming, "Prices Slashed!" and "Fantastic Discounts!"
The owner in the middle then prepared a large sign that simply stated, "ENTRANCE".
中間戰術
三個互相爭生意的商店老闆在一條商業街上租用了毗鄰的店鋪。旁觀者等著瞧好戲。
右邊的零售商掛起了巨大的招牌，上書：“大減價!”“特便宜!”
左邊的商店掛出了更大的招牌，聲稱：“大砍價!”“大折扣!”
中間的商人隨後準備了一個大招牌，上面只簡單地寫著：“入口處”。
2 Very Pleased to Meet You
During World War II, a lot of young women in Britain were in the army. Joan Phillips was one of them. She worked in a big camp, and of course met a lot of men, officers and soldiers.
One evening she met Captain Humphreys at a dance. He said to her, "I‘m going abroad tomorrow, but I‘d be very happy if we could write to each other." Joan agreed, and they wrote for several months.
Then his letters stopped, but she received one from another officer, telling her that he had been wounded and was in a certain army hospital in England.
Joan went there and said to the matron, "I‘ve come to visit Captain Humphreys."
"Only relatives are allowed to visit patients here," the matron said.
"Oh, that‘s all right," answered Joan. "I‘m his sister."
"I‘m very pleased to meet you," the matron said, "I‘m his mother!"
在第二次世界大戰中，有許多年輕的婦女在軍營中服役。瓊.飛利浦斯是其中之一。她在一個大軍營中工作，當然遇到了許多男士，包括軍官和士兵。
一天晚上她在舞會上遇到了軍官漢弗雷斯。他對她說，“我明天就要出國，但如果我們能夠相互寫信，我會很高興。”瓊同意了，於是他們幾個月裡一直通著信。
後來，他再沒有來信。她收到了另一個軍官的信，告訴她，他受傷了，住在英格蘭的某個部隊醫院裡。
瓊到了醫院，她對護士長說，“我來看望軍官漢弗雷斯。”
“這裡只有親屬可以探望病人。”護士長說。
“噢，是的，”瓊說，“我是他的妹妹。”
“很高興認識你，”護士長說，“我是他的母親。”
3 Two Soldiers
Two soldiers were in camp. The first one‘s name was George, and the second one‘s name was Bill. George said, "have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Bill?"
Bill said, "Yes, I have," and he gave them to him.
Then George said, "Now I haven‘t got a pen." Bill gave him his, and George wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said, "have you got a stamp, Bill?" Bill gave him one.
Then Bill got up and went to the door, so George said to him, "Are you going out?"
Bill Said, "Yes, I am," and he opened the door.
George said, "Please put my letter in the box in the office, and..." He stopped.
"What do you want now?" Bill said to him.
George looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, "What‘s your girl-friend‘s address?"
軍營裡有二名士兵，一個叫喬治，一個叫比爾。喬治問：“比爾，你有信紙、信封嗎?”
比爾說：“有。”然後把信紙和信封給了喬治。
喬治又說：“我還沒有筆呢。”比爾又把自己的筆給了他。喬治開始寫信。寫完後把信放進信封裡，又問：“比爾，你有郵票嗎?”比爾給了他一張。
這時比爾站起來，向門口走去。喬治問：“你要出去嗎?”
比爾說：“是的。”隨即打開了門。
喬治說：“請幫我把這封信投進辦公室的信箱裡，還有...”他停住了。
“你還要什麼?”比爾問。
喬治看著信封說：“你女朋友的.地址是-?”
爆笑英語小笑話集錦(三)
1 Five Months Older
The Second World War had begun, and John wanted to join the army, but he was only 16 years old, and boys were allowed to join only if they were over 18. So when the army doctor examined him, he said that he was 18.
But John‘s brother had joined the army a few days before, and the same doctor had examined him too. This doctor remembered the older boy‘s family name, so when he saw John‘s papers, he was surprised.
"How old are you?" he said.
"Eighteen, sir," said John.
"But your brother was eighteen, too," said the doctor. "Are you twins?"
"Oh, no, sir," said John, and his face went red. "My brother is five months older than I am."
大五個月
第二次世界大戰開始了，約翰想參軍，可他只有十六歲，當時規定男孩到十八歲才能入伍。所以軍醫給他進行體檢時，他說他已經十八歲了。
可約翰的哥哥剛入伍沒幾天，而且也是這個軍醫給他做的檢查。這位醫生還記得他哥哥的姓。所以當他看到約翰的表格時，感到非常驚奇。
“你多大了?”軍醫問。
“十八，長官。”約翰說。
“可你的哥哥也是十八歲，你們是雙胞胎嗎?”
約翰臉紅了，說：“哦，不是，長官，我哥哥比我大五個月。”
2 West Point
My father, brother and I visited West Point to see a football game between Army and Boston College. Taking a stroll before kickoff, we met many cadets in neatly pressed uniforms. Several visting fans asked the recruits if they would pose for photographs, "to show our son what to expect if he should attend West Point."
One middle-aged couple approached a very attractive female cadet and asked her to pose for a picture. They explained, "We want to show our son what he missed by not coming to West Point."
父親、哥哥和我到西點軍校去觀看一場陸軍與波士頓大學之間的橄欖球賽。開始之前，我們到處轉了轉，碰到許多穿著整齊制服的學員。幾名遊客問新兵是否願意擺出軍姿來讓他們攝。“好讓我們的兒子知道，如果他到西點軍校來學習會得到什麼。”
一對中年夫婦走近一名非常漂亮的女學員，問她是否願意擺個姿勢照相。他們解釋說：“我們想讓兒子知道他沒來西點軍校錯過了什麼。”
3 Present for Girlfriend
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Shall I engrave her name on it?" the jeweler asked.
The customer thought for a moment, and then said, "No-engrave it ‘To my one and only love‘. That way, if we ever break up, I can use it again."
送給女友的禮物
在一家珠寶店裡，一位年輕人買了一個貴重的小金盒作為送給女友的禮物。“要我把她的名字刻在上面嗎?”珠寶商問道。
那名顧客想了一會兒，然後說道：“不--在上面刻‘給我唯一的愛’。這樣，如果我們鬧崩了，我還可以再用到它。”
4 Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.
During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband‘s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I‘d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.
慎重許願
一對結婚25週年的夫妻在慶祝他們六十歲的生日。他們恰好在同一天出生。
慶祝活動中，一位仙女出現了。她說，由於他們是已經結婚25年的恩愛夫妻，因此她給許給這對夫妻每個人一個願望。
妻子想周遊世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一聲，她的手中出現了一張票。
接下來該丈夫許願了。他猶豫片刻，害羞地說，“那我想要一位比我年輕30歲的女人。”
仙女拾起了魔術棒。“呯!”，他變成了90歲。
5 Wood Fire
One woman lectured her best friend on the nature of the male animal. "Husbands are like wood fires; they go out if left unattened."
"Does that mean," asked the other, "that they make ashes of themselves?"
森林之火
一名婦女向她最好的朋友大談雄性動物的特性：“丈夫們就像是森林裡的火，一不注意，他們就會燃燒起來。”
“那是不是意味著，”另一個問道，“他們將自己燒成灰燼?”