I can't let him get away
A male crab met a female crab and asked her to marry him. She noticed that he was walking straight instead of sideways. Wow, she thought, this crab is really special. I can't let him get away they got married immediately.
The next day she noticed her new husband waking sideways like all the other crabs, and got upset. "What happened?" she asked. "You used to walk straight before we were married."
"Oh, honey, " he replied, "I can't drink that much every day."
Big Head
“All the kids make fun of me”the boy cried to his mother.“They say I have a big head”
“Don't listen to them.”his mother comforted him.“You have a beautiful head stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes”
“Where's the shopping bag?”
“I haven't got one,use your hat.”
Pianist
A guy goes to a party one night, and after a couple of hours, he hears the most amazing piano music being played.
He thinks it is the most wonderful music he has ever heard and makes his way over to the pianist.
"I have to say that the music that you are playing is wonderful."
"Thank you very much" says the pianist.
"I've never heard this song before, what is it called?" "I called it 'I shag my wife up the arse and come all over her tits'"
"Bloody hell, that's a bit harsh isn't it? I must say though, that I'm having a party in a couple of w#from 本文來自大學聯考資源網 end#eeks and would love you to play at it.
Perhaps you could just tone down the names of the songs that you will be playing - my guests wouldn't approve."
"No problem" says the pianist.
Two weeks later the guy is having his party and the pianist is there and he's playing like a donkey, all the wrong keys - it really is the most dreadful music the guy has ever heard.
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the guy.
"I'm so sorry, I know I'm playing badly but I really need a wank."
"A wank - but you're meant to be playing the piano - all my guests are here."
"I know but I can't play well until I've had one."
"OK, OK, go into the bathroom, there are some mags in the cupboard and just get back here as soon as you can."
Ten minutes later the pianist comes back from the bathroom, sits down at the piano and starts playing beautifully, just the way he's meant to.
After a little while a lady walks up to him and says: "Excuse me but do you know your cock's hanging out and you've got spunk all over your trousers?"
"Know it?" he says, "I wrote it."
First taste of sex
A young man goes to a whorehouse to expierence his first taste of sex.
The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.
The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man to eat her pussy. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.
The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.
A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.
Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"