One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living. The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree. The city man said to the farmer," I see that your pig likes apples, but isn"t that quite a waste of time?" The farmer replied," What"s time to a pig?"
一天，有一個城市裡的遊客來到一個小鄉村，在鄉間路上開著車，想看看農莊是什麼樣子，也想看看農夫怎樣種田過日子。這位城裡人看見一位農夫在宅後的草地 上，手中抱著一頭豬，並把它舉得高高的，好讓它能夠吃到樹上的蘋果。城裡人對農夫說，"我看你的豬挺喜歡吃蘋果的，但是，這不是很浪費時間嗎?"那位農夫 回答說，“時間對豬有什麼意義?”
我和老師的故事
Teacher: Tom and John! Why are you late for school today?
老師：湯姆!約翰!你倆今天為什麼遲到了!
Tom: Madam, I lost a one-dollar coin and was searching for it.
湯姆：老師，我一直在找我丟失的一美元硬幣。
Teachear: John, what about you?
老師：那麼你呢，約翰?
John: Madam, I was not able to move beacause I was hiding that coin under my feet.
約翰：老師，我不能動啊，我把他的硬幣藏腳底下了。
再見
Two tomatoes go shopping, a tomato suddenly walk fast, the second tomato asks: "where shall we go?" The first tomato has no answer, the second tomato asked again. The tomato has no answer, so the second tomato asked again. The first tomato finally turned slowly, said: "we are not tomatoes? We can talk?"
兩顆番茄去逛街，第一顆番茄突然走得很快，第二顆番茄就問：“我們要去哪裡?” 第一顆番茄沒有回答，第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄還沒回答，所以第二顆番茄又問了一次。 第一顆番茄終於慢慢轉頭說：“我們不是番茄嗎?我們會說話嗎?”
On a trip to Disney World in Florida, my husband and I and our two children devoted ourselves wholeheartedly to the wonders of this attraction. After three exhausting days, we headed for home.
As we drove away, our son waved and said, "Goodbye, Mickey."
Our daughter waved and said, "Goodbye, Minnie."
My husband waved, rather weakly, and said, "Goodbye, Money."
迪斯尼之旅 弗羅裡達州的迪斯尼樂園是一個迷人的地方。一次我和丈夫以及兩個孩子前往旅遊，我們全身心地沉醉在它的各種奇觀之中。精疲力竭地玩了三天之後，我們要回家了。
當我們驅車離開時，兒子揮手說：“再見，美奇。”
女兒揮著手說，“再見，美妮。”
丈夫也有氣無力地揮了揮手，說道：“再見，美元。”
Goldfish 金魚
Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
斯丹：我贏了 92 條金魚。
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
弗雷德：你想在哪兒養它們?
Stan: In the bathroom.
斯丹：浴室。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡時怎麼辦?
Stan: Blindfold(矇眼睛) them!
斯丹：矇住它們的眼睛!
I am acting like a lady 我要表現得像一位女士
One day women's dresses were on sale at a department store. A dignified middle-aged man decided to pick a dress for his wife, but soon he found himself being battered by frantic women.
一天，一家百貨公司的女裝大減價，一位高貴的中年男士想給他的太太挑選一件女裝。但是，沒過多久，他就發現自己已被瘋狂的女人們撞得踉踉蹌蹌。
He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowd.
他竭力地忍耐著。後來，他低下頭，揮舞雙臂，擠過人群。
"You there!" challenged a thrilling voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"
“你幹嘛?”有人尖聲叫道，“你難道不能表現得像一位紳士嗎?”
"Listen," he said. "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."
“聽著，”他說。“我已經像紳士一樣表現了一個小時了。從現在起，我要表現得像一位女士。”
Good Sight 好視力
Lawyer: You say you were about thirty-five feet away from the scene of the accident? Just how far can you see clearly?
Witness: Well, when I wake up in the morning I see the Sun, and they tell me it's about ninety-three million miles away.
律師：你說你離事故現場約有35英尺，你能看清多遠的東西?
證人：這麼說吧，早上起床後我看見太陽，別人告訴我這大約有9300萬英里遠。
來信
Mr. Henry Beecher entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word ″Fool″. Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these words:
″I have known many an instance(例項) of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter.″
一個星期天,亨利·比切先生到普利茅斯的教堂去,在那裡有他的幾封信。他開啟其中一封,發現信中只寫著“傻瓜”兩個字。
他平靜而認真地把這件事告訴教友們：“寫信時忘了簽名的人,我遇到過很多,但只簽了名卻忘了寫信的人,我還是頭一次遇到。”
Customer: Waiter, I can't find any oysters in this oyster stew.
Waiter: Well, you wouldn't expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you?
顧客：服務員，我這個牡蠣燉菜裡怎麼沒有牡蠣?
服務員：是啊，你不會指望在天使蛋糕裡發現天使吧?
玫瑰
On the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.
Are these for your wife, sir? she asked.
Yes, I said.
For her birthday? she asked.
No, I replied.
For your anniversary?
No, I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, I hope she forgives you.
一天晚上回家的路上，我看到一家花店外面有一些剛剪下來的玫瑰。我挑了一打，走進店裡，一個年輕的女售貨員跟我打了個招呼。
先生，這些是送給你妻子的嗎?她問道。
是的，我說。
她的'生日?她問。
不是，我回答。
你們的結婚紀念日?
不是，我又答道。
當我將找回的錢裝進口袋，朝門口走去時，那年輕的女人衝我喊道：希望她能原諒你。
Part-time Job業餘工作
When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacking groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles.
"How was your first day?" I asked.
"It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls."
Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to them?"
"Do you prefer paper or plastic?"
我兒子在一所中學讀二年級時，在一家超級市場找到了一份包裝商品的業餘工作。他滿面笑容地回到了家。
“第一天感覺如何?”我問。
“好極了，爸爸。”他答道，“我跟許多漂亮的女孩子講了話。”
由於斯蒂芬不善言談，我問道：“你跟他們說了些什麼?”
“你是喜歡紙包裝還是塑料包裝?”
Who Discovered Australia?誰發現了澳大利亞?
Teacher: Find Australia on the map for me, Johnny.
Johnny: It's there, sir.
Teacher: That's right. Now Sammy, who discovered Australia?
Sammy: Johnny, sir.
老師：約翰尼，在地圖上給我找出澳大利亞在什麼地方。
約翰尼：先生，在這兒。
老師：對了。薩默，你來回答我是誰發現了澳大利亞?
薩默：先生，是約翰尼。
Quick Cleanup快速清掃
Unexpected guests were on the way, and my mother, an impeccable housekeeper, rushed around straightening up. She put my father and brother to work cleaning the guest bathroom. Later, when she went to inspect it, she was surprised that the once-cluttered room had been tidied up so quickly. Then she saw the note on the closed shower curtains. It read "Thank you for not looking in the bathtub."
不速之客就在路上，我媽媽，一個完美的家庭主婦，正忙裡忙外地整理。她分配給我爸和我哥哥的任務是打掃供客人使用的浴室。一會兒之後，當她去檢查的時候，她吃驚了，曾經一度雜亂的房間瞬間就被打掃乾淨了。接著她看到浴簾上有一張紙條，紙條上寫著：“謝謝你沒往浴缸裡看。”
Christmas Eve Service平安夜禮拜
Just as I began my Christmas Eve service, the electricity in the church failed. The ushers and I found some candles and placed them around the sanctuary. Then I reentered the pulpit, shuffled my notes, and muttered, "Now, where was I?" A tired voice called out, "Right near the end!"
就在我開始平安夜禱告時，教堂停電了。教堂裡的接待人員和我找到一些蠟燭，把它們放在禮堂周圍。然後我重返講道壇，整理了一下筆記後，我說：“剛才我講到哪兒了?”傳來一陣不耐煩的聲音：“馬上就講完了!”