Only One Eye to Settle On
The girl found the go-between and said, "You cheated me ! One of his eyes is not true. Why didn't you tell me this before ?"
"I have told you. " said the go-between with justice on his side, When you met first, I told you that he settled on you with one eye.
姑娘找到媒人，說：“你欺騙了我。他的一隻眼是假眼，你以前為什麼不告訴我?” “怎麼沒告訴你?”媒人也不甘示弱，“你們第一回見面後，我就說，他一眼就看中你了。”
You May Select可以選擇
The husband complained that his wife always cooked the same dish.
One day, the husband got home and asked his wife, "My dear, what will we eat today?"
The wife said, "You may select the dish today."
The husband was very glad and asked, "Which dishes are there today?"
"Cabbage."
"The others?"
"None."
"Then how to select?"
"Eat or not eat!" the wife said.
丈夫抱怨妻子總是做同樣的一種菜。
一天，丈夫回到家，問妻子：“親愛的，今天我們吃啥菜?”
妻子回答：“今天你可以選擇。” 丈夫感到非常高興，又問：“都有哪些菜呢?”
“炒白菜。”
“還有呢?”
“沒了。”
“那你要我怎麼選呢?”
“吃還是不吃!”妻子一本正經地說道。
Two roaches 兩隻蟑螂
Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant."I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines.""Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"
兩隻蟑螂正在一條小巷的垃圾堆上大吃著，其中的一隻談起了它在一家新開張的餐館裡的經歷。“那時我在街對面的那家新餐館裡，”它說。“那裡太乾淨了!廚房沒有一點汙漬，地面閃著白光。任何地方都沒有垃圾。那裡是如此乾淨，整個地方都在發光。”“請不要在我吃東西的時候說這個好嗎?”另一隻蟑螂不悅地說。
我需要器官移植
The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ." "What makes you think you need all these?" Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."
這個病人顯得很堅決。“醫生，我需要做肝臟移植、腎臟移植、心臟移植、角膜移植、脾臟移植、胰腺移植和……” “你為什麼認為你需要做這麼多移植手術?”病人回答：“哦，是這樣，我的老闆說如果我這個人不重新組裝的話，就別想保住我的工作!”
埋在花園裡的槍
Guns Buried in the Garden An old man lived alone in Northern Ireland. His only son was in prison. The old man wanted to plant some potatoes in his garden but he didn't know anyone who would help him plow up the garden. He wrote to his son about it, and received this reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!" At 4 AM the next morning, a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns. Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."
一個老人獨居在北愛爾蘭，他的獨生子正在坐牢。老人想在花園裡種些土豆，但不知道誰可以幫忙把泥土翻鬆。他寫信想兒子提及此事，兒子回信說道：“看在上帝的面上，千萬不要翻鬆花園的泥土，我把槍埋在那兒了。”第二天凌晨4點，一隊英國士兵出現在老人家中，在花園把土地翻遍，但並沒有找到任何槍支。” 老人寫信告訴兒子這件奇怪的事情，問到底發生了什麼事情，下一步應該怎麼做。 兒子回信道：“你只管種土豆好了。”
the formula for water
An instructor in chemical warfare asked soldiers in his class: "Anyone knows the formula for water?""Sure. That's easy," said one man."What is it?""H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.""What, what?" reasked the instructor."H to O," explained the chemistry expert.
生化戰爭課的老師在課堂上問士兵們：“誰知道水的分子式?”“當然，太簡單了。”一個士兵回答道。“是什麼?”“H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O.”“什麼，什麼?”老師又問道。“H to O，”化學專家解釋道。
frog 青蛙
Frog The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, "Now I'll show you this frog in my pocket." He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich. He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, "That's funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch."
老師正在給學生上生物課：“現在，我將要給你們看我袋子裡的這隻青蛙。”接著，他把手伸進口袋，卻拿出了一份雞肉三文治。老師滿臉困惑地看了一眼，沉思了一會兒，說道：“真奇怪。我明明記得我已經把午飯吃掉了。”
相親 Blind Date
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
和盲約物件呆了一晚上後，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了個朋友給他打電話，這樣他就能借故先離開了。當他回到桌邊，他垂下眼睛，裝出一副陰沉的表情，說：“有個不幸的訊息，我的祖父剛剛去世了。”“謝天謝地!”他的約會物件說，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了!”
Lawyer and Engineer
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and the insurance company paid for everything."
"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.
一個律師與一個工程師在加勒比海邊釣魚。律師說：“我到這裡是因為我的房子被大火燒了，保險公司賠償了我所有的.損失。”
“這太巧了，”工程師說，“我是因為房子被洪水沖垮了，保險公司也賠償了所有的損失。”
律師看起來有些困惑，“你是怎麼引起洪水的?”他不解的問。
預報天氣的印第安人
The Indian Who Could Foretell the Weather Two men were travelling in a very wild and lonely part of America. For days they had not even seen a house， only a few huts made of wood， or tents made of skins. Then one day they met an old Indian who earned his living by trapping animals for heir fur. They found that he knew their language and they had a little conversation with him. One of them asked him if he could tell them what the weather would be like within the next few days. “Oh yes，”he said.“Rain is coming， and there will be snow for two days， but after that there will be bright sunshine.” “Is n't that wonderful?” said one man to his friend.“These old Indians know more of the secrets of Nature than we do with all our science. They have not been spoiled by civilization.” Then he turned to the old Indian. “Tell me，”he said，“how you knew all that.” The Indian replied，“I heard it on the radio.”
有兩個人在美洲一個非常荒涼偏僻的地區旅行。好多天來，他們連所房子也沒看到，只看見幾個木棚子和皮帳篷。一天，他們遇到一個靠獵取獸皮謀生的印第安老人。他們發現他懂得他們的語言，就和他聊了一會兒。其中一個人問他，能否告知近幾天的天氣如何。 “哦，行啊”，他說。“就要下雨了，還要颳風。接著還得下兩天雪。這以後，就是大晴天了。” “這不是太神奇了嗎?”一個旅行者對他的朋友說。“這些印第安老人深知大自然的祕密，比我們有科學知識的人知道的還多。他們並沒有被現代文明所迷惑。”接著他轉向印第安老人： “請問，”他說，“你是怎麼知道這一切的呢?” 印第安老人答道：“我是從無線電裡聽來的。”
A Problem in Arithmetic
Bill is a good student and an intelligent boy. He likes to study arithmetic, and he can do all of the arithmetic problems in his book easily.
One day on his way to school Bill passed a fruit store. There was a sign in the window which said, "Apple-Six for five cents." An idea came to Bill and he went into the store. "How much are the apples?" he asked the store.
"Six for five cents." "But I don't want six apples." "How many apples do you want?" "It is not a question of how many apples I want. It is a problem in arithmetic." "What do you mean by a problem in arithmetic?" asked the man.
"Well, if six apples are wroth five cents, then five apples are worth four cents, four apples are worth three cents, three apples are worth rwo cents, two apples are worth one cent and one apple is worth nothing. I only want one apple, and if one apple is worth nothing then it is not necessary for me to pay you."
Bill picked out a good apple, began to eat it, and walked happily out of the store. The man looked at the young boy with such surprise that he could not say a word.
比爾是一個好學生，也是個聰明的孩子。他喜歡學數學，課本上所有的數學問題他都能不費勁地解答。
有一天，在上學路上，比爾經過一家水果店。該店窗戶上有個招牌上寫著：“蘋果--五美分六個。”比爾腦筋一轉，進了店門。 “蘋果怎麼賣?” “五美分六個。” “但我不想要六個。” “你想要幾個?” “這不是我想要幾個的問題。這是個數學問題。” “數學問題?你說這話是什麼意思?”
“你看，如果六個蘋果五美分，那麼五個蘋果四美分，四個蘋果三美分，三個蘋果二美分，二個蘋果一美分，一個蘋果就不要錢。我只要一個蘋果，如果一個蘋果一分錢也不要的話，那我也就沒必要給你錢了。”
比爾揀了一個好蘋果，開始吃了起來，然後興高采烈地邁出了店門。那個售貨員吃驚地望著這個小男孩，一句話也說不出來。
Lose One Pound減掉一磅
I complimented one of my co-workers on having lost ten pounds. However, I couldn't resist bragging that when I was 17, 1 weighed 225 pounds and today I tip the scales at 224. 1 added, "That's not bad for a man of my age."
Overhearing this, a woman remarked, "You mean to say it took you all this time to lose one pound?"
我稱讚我的一個同事減肥10磅。可是，我禁不住誇耀說我17歲時，體重225磅，而目前體重是224磅。我還說：“這對我這樣年齡的男子來說，是不錯的。”
一個女子聽到了這些話，她說道：“你是說你花了這麼長時間才減了1磅?”